Time for a little humor!
In my over 10 years of birth work, you could say I have heard and seen some funny stories during this beautiful event. I also believe that humor is a wonderful medicine that is God-given and free, a natural boost to your mood. In labor, especially, laughing is something I encourage! It helps boost your endorphins and oxytocin, hormones that are crucial to the birth process. So, sit back and get ready to enjoy some good laughs!
The Record
Several years back while I was working on the labor and delivery unit, I had an idea. All of us nurses had experiences that were hilarious and I wanted to some how remember them. Some we would never forget, but other quick little moments I knew we would. So, I bought a journal that we kept in the nurses station that was for recording such events. My goal was to bring the journal to our holiday party every year and reminisce. It was pretty popular for a while, but then got misplaced. But, I remembered a lot of the things that were written in there and still giggle.
**Disclaimer: Some stories may be funnier to medical personnel due to the graphic nature of the field and dark sense of humor of such persons😉
Extra stitch: This is an annoying and major eye roll statement that many labor nurses, midwives and OBs have heard from FOBs (father of baby). More times than I'd like to admit, a FOB would pipe up during the repair phase of birth. Their significant other has just labored for hours and pushed out a watermelon, yet they have the audacity to tell the provider stitching her up, "Hey, can throw an extra stitch in there?"
Every medical personnel in the room would roll their eyes in unamusement, usually would ignore the comment and let the FOB feel uncomfortable in the cricket silence of their bad joke. But one time, a provider asked the FOB, "Sure! How small do you need it?"
Suddenly, he didn't think it was so funny. But everyone else in the room sure did.
Triage Surprise: A patient and her boyfriend came into triage. She was complaining of an abnormal discharge she was experiencing. The nurse taking care of her asked, "Can you describe the discharge to me?"
Instead of the patient answering, her boyfriend did.
"Well it's green, frothy and tastes kind of funny."
🤢
PSA: Please, PLEASE do NOT taste vaginal discharge or any bodily fluid for that matter!!
Contacts: A nurse was explaining to a woman the process of pushing. She was getting close to that point and questions started flooding the patient. She suddenly stated, "But I'm wearing contact lenses."
The nurse confused said, "Okay...and?"
"If I push while wearing them, won't I push them out of my eyes?"
The nurse was fighting back giggles.
"No, that will not happen. You can push with them in your eyes."
Daddy Dilation: This is another more than once statement that labor nurses have heard from FOBs. I remember the first time I heard it. The FOB had called the labor and delivery unit to ask when they should head to the hospital since they thought she might be in labor. After asking a few standard questions, like when was her due date and how far apart are the contractions, the FOB said, "Oh and she is 5 inches dilated."
"Do you mean centimeters? Also how do you know how dilated she is?"
"I can fit 5 fingers in there."
🤦♀️
PSA: This is not how dilation is determined. Please keep your hands out of a laboring woman's vagina unless you are a medical professional who knows what you are feeling for (with the woman's consent of course).
Body Confusion: Women who receive epidural anesthesia during labor will often also have a Foley catheter placed. This is a tube that goes into the bladder to help keep the bladder empty since the mother's sensation will be diminished due to the anesthetic.
Once again, this next question has been asked so many times. And not just to me.
"If you put that tube in there, how will the baby come out?"
This is when an anatomy lesson was initiated with pictures and all. Urethra, vagina, anus. Three openings, three different functions and purposes.
On a serious note, this is a prime example of how poorly our society is educated on our bodies and childbirth in general. We need to do better!
Over Confidence: Staying on the topic of epidurals, this next story is about the dads. In most hospitals, the people in the room with the laboring mom either have to leave the room or sit down during the placement of an epidural. At the hospital I worked at, the rule was one person could stay, but they had to sit. Sometimes the FOBs would refuse and say they wanted to watch.
"I don't need to sit down! I'll be fine. I wanna watch."
Now some of you might be confused why this was part of the protocol. There are several reasons from liability to making sure the sterile field is kept intact, but another reason is to prevent injury to the support person from passing out. Oh yes, many FOBs get quite queasy when they see the epidural needle or even a drop of blood and night night they go. The ones who act like they can handle anything are almost always the ones who pass out.
I swear I saw the future of this one dad who was being very obnoxious and refused to sit. I offered that he can sit in front of his girlfriend, but he just got louder and more upset. I told him we didn't want him to pass out and fall on the floor hurting himself. He exclaimed that would never happen! The anesthesiologist, looking annoyed, started the procedure while still asking the young man to sit down. Suddenly, we heard a WACK! And the dad was out cold on the floor. He hit his head so hard he ended up going to the ER and missed the birth completely.
I also had another dad pass out who thankfully had sat down before doing so. He started snoring and shaking a bit, which can happen when someone is really out. He was out for maybe 10 seconds and when he came to, he was confused.
"Man, that was crazy! There were like gunshots and shit. Woo what a ride!"
We all looked at each other, laughed and gave him an ice pack and juice.
Thanks?: Constipation is a common symptom of pregnancy. Sometimes it can be so bad that it causes an obstruction in the bowel. There was a patient who had a huge obstruction of feces stuck in near her rectum and it was causes some discomfort as you could imagine. We were ordered to give enemas and perform a digital disimpaction a couple times a day. What's a digital disimpaction you ask? That is when the medical personnel place their fingers in the patient's rectum and try to break up the ball of poo to help it come out. Glamorous, am I right?
Well this poor girl had this done several times and after having this performed by a couple different nurses, she developed a favorite. That lucky nurse was requested by the patient one day. While she was performing the procedure, the patient turned her head towards her, looked her in the eyes and said, "I really like you."
The nurse, not sure what to say, smiled and hesitantly thanked her.
Kitty Cat: A nurse walked into a patient's room to assist during a birth. She was all natural and her water bag was bulging out and about to break. She was holding on to the nurse's hand tight and yells, "My cat hurts!"
"Excuse me ma'am?" the nurse asked.
She repeated, "My cat hurts!"
Through her pain, she could tell the nurse still didn't get what she was saying. As she was realizing what she was talking about, she clarified, "My vagina hurts."
The nurse replied, "Oh! Yes, that's understandable."
The Wrestling Match: One night a woman came into our unit in very active labor. Her husband and little daughter (probably around 3-4yaers old) accompanied her. The woman was screaming and clearly ready to give birth at any moment. It was all hands on deck. Multiple nurses, the in house OB and a tech rushed into the room to get ready. The woman's husband and daughter looked in shock. In between contractions, the mother would try to console her clearly frightened daughter, but as soon as a contraction started, the woman's voice would start climbing, getting louder and higher pitch. So high pitched that it hurt your ears and everyone would try to shrug their shoulders up to protect them. The baby was crowning and the team was trying to help her gain some control. The woman started pulling on her hair during the intense pains. We tried telling her to stopA nurse next to her tried to pry her hand off of the woman's head as she was literally pulling her hair out. This turned into a oddly hysterical arm wrestling match between the nurse and patient. I couldn't help, but giggle as I watched this chaotic scene unfold of wrestling back and forth with insanely high pitched screams. She gave birth shortly after all this and everything was calm again. That's when the doctor, the other nurse and I all exchanged glances and laughed.
I know there are more stories, but my memory is failing to remember them all. As much as birth can be serious and sometimes scary and unsure, it can, and should, be filled with laughter. It is the best medicine don't you know😉
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